It isn’t always about the pay check

Eden Estopace
11 min readFeb 17, 2018
Lakawon Island Resort, Negros Occidental (2018)

Long-term personal relationships have a lot of things in common with long-term work relationships.

The morning after the Chinese New Year — dinners, fireworks, family bonding and age-old rituals — I stumbled upon this beautiful piece entitled “15 Questions to Determine if Your Relationship is Sustainable” penned by Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. and published on Thrive Global.

I’m not exactly fond of “relationship articles.” I probably have no reason to. I have been married to the same guy for twenty-six years, and we’ve been together for the past thirty. We have three kids — two have finished college and have joined the workforce; the youngest is ten years old, the joy of our life. We’ve seen it all — from heavy downpours to full-blown hurricanes, but what defines ‘long-term’ or ‘stability’ is you remember more sunshine than the occasional thunderstorms.

I had an odd realization reading Lewandowski’s article: I have very long-term work relationships as well. I worked for a newspaper for eighteen years full-time. I’m still doing freelance work for them today — seven years running. I also worked for an overseas media company for a number of years, and with many people in the same industry for more than a decade. In both organizations and outside of it, colleagues have become lifelong friends, woven into the fabric of my extended family.

I have been asked often: What is the secret your ‘loyalty’? Honestly, I don’t know the answer, but I think now I have a clue: It’s probably not about me, it’s more about the other party.’

Long before employee retention has become a corporate strategy, there is the standard of ‘human decency.’ It’s true, people move on to find greener pastures. Career paths are complex and they are often multifaceted journeys rather than singular roads or lifetime contracts. But when a job’s lifespan ends, a relationship often remains if there is mutual respect and love.

Then came this article that discusses ‘relationship science,’ an argumentative piece based from baseball statistician Bill James’ “Keltner List,” which the author applied to personal relationships. I thought that this ‘relationship test’ is also applicable to work relationships. Here is my version, not necessarily in the same order as Lewandowski’s original questions.

1: Does your partner make you a better person, and do you do the same for them?

My version: Does your employer make you a better person, and do you do the same for them?

I couldn’t claim to be the best journalist ever, but having watched peers and superiors at work for twenty-five years, I can say that I have learned more than anything else to become a better human being. I hope that even in a small way, I was also able to contribute to bringing out the best in people. Read on.

2: Do you and your partner accept each other for who you are, without trying to change each other?

My version: Do you and your teammates accept each other for who you are, without trying to change each other?

When I was new in the newspaper job, there was this girl who wasn’t doing well at work (not editorial). She was error-prone, causing unbelievable delays and mishaps. On days when we couldn’t afford to make mistakes, you could expect her to fail unfailingly. I often wonder why the company wouldn’t just fire her. It took a while to understand one of the values that the boss and the company stood on — they’ll never give up on people willing to work hard enough.

It may seem like a flawed moral high ground to someone well-versed in HR theories, but back then the company does not even have a proper HR department, so it was run pretty much on family values. Our supervisor, the jack-of-all-trades that she was — she can write, edit, do layouts, talk to people with stunning efficiency — always had a plan B. She can take over the newspaper layout and solve technical problems in a jiffy or there’s always someone who can save the day.

It seemed like it was the most natural thing to do, given that you can’t fire anybody, but looking back now, it set the tone for a very positive, non-judgmental, corporate culture that has a place for everybody. From an employee perspective, when you know that nobody will give up on you or find faults at a drop of hat, everybody just rises to the occasion — becoming mentor and cheerleader to those in need of support. You begin and end each day thankful for the work done and the company of people who won’t let you down.

The girl eventually transferred to another department handling advertising accounts many years later, outgrowing the original role she was hired for — the typical square peg in a round hole who made it good when she found the right fit for her competencies, with a lot of ‘love’ and mentoring, and no small amount of motivational push.

All of us had our own epic shortcomings in that department. We accepted each other lock, stock and barrel, a rare kind of unconditional ‘love’ that had enabled all of us to aim for the stars and thrive. When you know that nobody will stab you in the back — not your boss and certainly, not your peers — it is easy to support and push each other up, contributing to greater camaraderie and team productivity.

Life lesson: Never give up on someone because you don’t want other people to give up on you.

3: Is your partner your best friend, and are you theirs?

My version: Are your co-workers your best friend, and are you theirs?

I joined the newspaper when it was a very small company, not the media giant that it is today. The section I initially belonged to started with two people, and had grown quickly to become a team of seven to ten at any given time.

It was hard labor. I remember endless nights putting that section to bed. I remember working on a rush project and not going home for two days. I remember spending nights at the office because of heavy storms. I remember us hitching a ride with a delivery van to cover a disaster zone for a corporate social responsibility project. I remember talking to very difficult people and being rained on by a hail of heavy scolding on occasions when ‘best effort’ didn’t suffice.

It was the friendship that glued us together. We were just starting out and the pay was small, and most of us struggled to make ends meet, but it was probably the happiest years of my working life, minted in the ‘fires of journalistic and advertising hell.’ A few months ago, we had an impromptu get together at an ice cream parlor. It was a joy to see that we’ve moved on to very different career directions. We’re still friends and happy to share ice cream on a Sunday night on short notice twenty years on.

Life lesson: It isn’t always about the pay check.

4. Do you and your partner share decision-making, power and influence in the relationship?

My version: Do you share decision-making, power and influence in the relationship?

Even if you are the lowest-ranked in the corporate totem pole you know you have ‘power’ when supervisors trust you to do your job in good faith.

Years ago, I wrote a technology piece riddled with a ‘lot of errors.’ The interviewee, a high-ranking executive in one of the world’s largest technology companies was furious. Instead of calling me, she called my boss directly and demanded to correct the article. It was already past working hours, and my phone was off. My boss (who I believe at that time was in the middle of a high-profile event in another part of the world) calmly took the article down from the website and sent me an email calmly saying we will put the article back online once the paragraph in question is corrected.

He called the next day to say ‘he didn’t have a clue to what the tech executive was complaining about’ and apologized profusely for the rush decision to take the article down. I was dumbfounded beyond belief. I should be the one apologizing, I should be the one saying sorry for the fiasco. I should probably even offer my resignation for a job not well done out of courtesy. But he dismissed it it as just an honest mistake or a plain oversight. Hardcore tech jargon is always difficult to navigate, he said.

After correcting the article and putting it back online, the tech executive and me shook hands, virtually. We eventually ended up being good friends. We were in Las Vegas on my last year at work in the media company along with other media friends. My boss? He rarely spoke to me on the phone but he called to say goodbye when he resigned from the company. He said something like he could have done more to be the ‘supervisor’ that I needed, given the remote nature of online work. I didn’t hear anything else because tears were welling up in my eyes as he spoke. I knew then that he was somebody I’d like to be. I will never raise my voice at work, never judge anyone based on an unintended mistake, and will always have ‘faith’ in people.

Lesson: There is no substitute for human decency.

5: When disagreements arise, do you and your partner communicate respectfully and without contempt or negativity? Are you and your partner both comfortable with sharing feelings, relying on each other, being close, and able to avoid worrying about the other person leaving?

My version: When disagreements arise, do you communicate respectfully and without contempt or negativity? Are you and your boss both comfortable with relying on each other and being able to avoid worrying about the other person leaving?

When you feel the heat, you don’t always think of bolting out and looking for the next available job in town. When office relationships are healthy, you know that arguments are just a normal part of the working day.

One of the best bosses I’ve had the opportunity to work with is the eighth of ten siblings. The typical middle child, she can always talk to people both younger and older, always respectful and polite even on occasions when stress levels were in the stratosphere. She said that when you grew up with nine other kids, you learn how to negotiate early on in life, you are used to chaos and scarcity that you learn to be very creative. When we started working together, we were both just twenty-five years old.

A vertical relationship in the workplace among same-age people is a potential powder keg, always prone to abuse ‘in the name of friendship.’ People who know us and the work we did for eight years together understand why we never crossed the traditional line that divides the editor and the reporter, the boss and the rank-and-file, even if we are the closest of friends outside working hours.

I still maintain to this day that she was the best editor one could ever have — not even a comma out of place when your work passes her scrutiny. She was the ultimate grammarian. But she was also the humblest person I know, never ever taking the limelight for herself. She said she is comfortable in knowing that everybody can do the work better than her and that it isn’t her role to be the star. She sees herself more like the conductor in an orchestra, the indefatigable coach in a basketball team, the soft-spoken teacher who only meant well for her students.

If that kind of person calls you out in a meeting to disagree with you or give you a reprimand, then you know instantaneously that you were the one out of line. You can always disagree and you will be heard with respect. Two hours later, you can be sharing a pork barbecue meal together and laughing as hard as anyone who never had a rough day, all things forgotten. Who wants to resign? There’s a company outing the next weekend and you have a new swimsuit to bring to the beach. You’ve also practiced the song you’re going to sing for ages, and it’s not ever going to rain on your parade.

Lesson: Work hard, play hard. Don’t take things personally.

9: Do you and your partner think more in terms of “we” and “us,” rather than “you” and “I”?

My version: As a team, do you think more in terms of “we” and “us,” rather than “you” and “I”?

It is not always easy to work with people you see on your desktop computer only as ‘icons’ on a screen. How do you prevent each one from becoming just ‘islands in the sand’ disconnected from the common editorial vision?

But life has a way of sorting things out. I had worked with a company that’s run like a well-oiled machinery. The editors sit in many countries in Asia working in a digital assembly line of sorts without any central authority or ‘big brother’ hovering on anyone’s shoulders.

Looking back now, I have never been so proud to be part of a team whose individual sense of responsibility is unusually high. You do your part and so does everybody. It’s not ‘my’ work or ‘his’ work but ‘our’ day’s work, collectively. The day is short to even think of anything else. We always have work to do.

Life lesson: “If everyone is moving forward together, then success takes care of itself” — Henry Ford

8. Do you and your partner have good opinions of each other — without having an overinflated positive view?

My version: Do you have good opinions of each other — without having an overinflated positive view?

There is a downside to working for the same company or team for years. Sometimes the esprit de corps is so strong, you don’t think anyone can ever go wrong — you believe that you have the best people, the best strategy, the best of everything. This ‘cloak of infallibility’ is dangerous for an organization, because even on a personal level when you believe you are the best and the mightiest and you couldn’t change for the better, that is the beginning of the end.

But if you can see the real picture through those rose-colored glasses, then you know you have a very solid reason for staying. When you see the flaws, the cloud, the imperfections, and you still chose to stay, that means there is still room to grow.

It is also one thing to stay in a job because you don’t have any other option and completely another to stay even if you have a universe of options. Now I know: the latter is the true test of loyalty.

Life lesson: ‘Employee loyalty begins with employer loyalty’ — Harvey Mackay

10. Is your relationship free of red flags like cheating, jealousy and controlling behavior? Do you and your partner share the same values when it comes to politics, religion, the importance of marriage, the desire to have kids (or not) and how to parent?

My version: Is your relationship free of red flags like cheating, jealousy and controlling behavior? Do you share the same values when it comes to professional standards and ethics?

I’ve read horror stories on the web: bosses pulling the rug under people’s feet; employees suing their former employers in court or clawing at each other day in and day out; co-workers backstabbing and bringing each other down at every opportunity; frostiness and frigid relationships that are as cold as snow. Many others.

Maybe it’s the norm in a dog-eat-dog world of fake news, sexual predators, and an ever-growing culture of abusiveness in workplaces. Maybe the companies that can bring you happy thoughts of rainbows and sunshine and childlike laughter when the day’s work ends are rare. I probably just had a lot of luck on my side.

In a not-so-perfect world, we make compromises all the time because we need to earn a living or we need a stable career path to get on in life. As Lewandowski’s article explains: No scientific data could adequately quantify or qualify one’s workplace experiences. It is always a combination of “data and gut feel.”

As someone with a history of long-term personal and work relationships, I am also aware that things always do not work out the first time or all the time. And if it doesn’t turn out well? Take it from this ‘long-term’ girl: Forget the pay check and run for the hills. There are other ways to earn a living.

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Eden Estopace

Financial journalist based in Manila | foodie | traveler | pet parent